Is there something that you want to change within yourself or your life?
If so what's stopping you?
Or probably more to the point WHO is stopping you?
This could be you or someone else.
Is it you?
That can’t be right.
I DO want to change.
I would LOVE things to be different.
How can you be stopping yourself from changing?
If this sounds familiar, maybe you could ask yourself this:
If you REALLY want things to be different, why haven’t you made it happen?
The answer maybe that you can’t AFFORD to make the change, that you don’t know HOW to make the change, or that you don’t feel ABLE to make the change.
Whichever reason you tell yourself, it is likely that this is an excuse.
The real reason may be that you’re scared to make the change.
Or you don’t feel worthy of the change.
Or many other reasons, but the ‘reason’ that we give ourselves is very often a cover for the truth.
It’s not easy facing the real reason.
This may because you don’t know what to do with it. The real reason has probably held you back from many things for a long time.
Let’s say that you REALLY want to study to be a lawyer.
This has been a dream for years but you’ve never taken any steps towards doing it, telling yourself that you can’t afford it/ wouldn’t be able to find the time to do it / don't know how to go about it.
The truth of the matter may be something else. You hold lawyers in high esteem. You don’t think that you are as good as them. You don’t think you would ever fit in.
In other words you aren’t worthy of becoming a lawyer. Or aren’t worthy of being with clever people. Or aren’t worthy of earning the sort of money that a lawyer might earn.
THIS is what’s holding you back.
Not the lack of money, time or information to study. You know deep down that if this were the real reason, you would FIND the money, time or information.
Is it someone else stopping you from changing?
My partner LOVES me. They would never try to hold me back from making any change that I wanted.
This may be their intention but can it really be that they always put your interest first?
Even ahead of their own?
Let’s say that you’re feeling pressured at work, you’re feeling dissatisfied with your social life; you don’t feel that you are fulfilling your true potential in life, or you are unhappy with your appearance. You want to get fit, lose some weight and become more confident.
You see an advert for a ‘Make yourself better’ course.
You are so excited!
Having read the detail it is EXACTLY what you are after.
It will help you to gain confidence, it will help you to improve your social life and it will make you fit and healthy.
It’s quite expensive but it will be sooooo worth it!
You rush home to tell your partner about the amazing thing that you’ve found and how you can’t wait to start the course!
After 30 minutes of talking about it, you notice your partner starts to lose enthusiasm. You find yourself doubting whether it is the right thing for you.
They have raised a lot of valid points:
There’s no guarantee it will work
You could do it yourself – you don’t need someone to tell you how to do it
It’s a lot of money
……so you decide not to do it.
You feel so deflated.
This was going to change your life and now you won’t be doing it.
Was your partner really acting in your best interests?
It can be scary for a partner to imagine you making changes.
If you become more confident, will you start chatting other people up and go off with someone else?
If you become fit and healthy will you join sports clubs and not enjoy your cosy nights in front of the telly with a take-away?
Will it affect the dynamics of your relationship?
Will it be the END of your relationship?!
Far better for you to stay as you are.
They know what they’re dealing with then.
And this isn’t them being mean and selfish, it’s about their insecurities.
It's about them being afraid of what these changes might mean to you, and therefore them, as individuals and as a couple.
The same can apply to your children not wanting you to improve yourself.
Will it be the same relationship that you enjoy now?
If you are more confident for example, will you still be their personal chauffeur or will the new assertive you tell them to get the bus instead as you want to go out.
If you get more fit and healthy, will you still cook sausage and chips for dinner or will they have to live off of salad every day?
Whoever it is that feels threatened by your wish to change, they may not be discouraging you consciously.
They know that they feel threatened but may not be sure why.
They just know that it will potentially be ‘dangerous’ for them if you change. So for their own safety they must stop you!
What can you do about this?
I would suggest that if you want to make any change in your life, sit and think.
Think long and hard before you mention it to your partner / children / parents / boss.
Do you really want to make the change?
What impact will this have on your life?
Do the positives outweigh the negatives?
For example you want to move to a dream job which will earn you less money. Can you survive happily on the decreased income? If so then does the happiness that the new job will bring you outweigh the lower income?
If the answer is yes then think about the impact on those close to you.
The impact of you improving yourself isn’t likely to be seriously detrimental to others unless it was on the cards anyway.
Let’s say that you feel that being more confident might mean that you would leave your partner.
If this is what you discover whilst thinking about going ahead with the change then this is indicative of something else going on.
You improving yourself and your confidence would facilitate you leaving rather than causing you to leave.
And if this is a thought that you are having then it sounds as though change is what you need!
Whatever the change and the impact on your world or others, think about it.
If you have thought through everything and decided that yes, you do want to go on the ‘Make yourself better’ course, then broach the subject with others KNOWING that the outcome is that you WILL be doing the course.
You will have the answers to any objections or ‘pieces of advice’ that are intended to put you off.
You will have thought through them all first and so the objection won’t carry any weight in your mind.
If you want to improve yourself, the only way it will happen is if you take action to do so.
Remember that anyone who tells you that it’s not a good idea very likely has an ulterior motive.
I’m not saying that they're being mean.
They may not even be conscious of it. It feels a threat to them and they respond accordingly.
Think of when you were younger and you said ‘Mum, can I go to a party at Sally’s on Saturday?’
Your Mum may have said no and there was no reason you could see as to why.
The ulterior motive in this case may be to keep you safe.
Your mum knows that Sally’s parents will be away this weekend and doesn’t want to put you in a potentially vulnerable position.
This example is a conscious but very positive ulterior motive.
It may not always be the case.
As an adult you ask your friend if they can give you a lift to Sally’s party on Saturday.
They say that they can’t because their car will be in the garage.
It’s not in the garage at all and they know you have no other way of getting there.
The gorgeous Pete / Petra will be at the party and there’s no way that they want you there as competition for their attention.
A conscious and sneaky ulterior motive.
If you want to make your life better and yourself happier, do it.
Don’t wait for anyone else’s approval. Their advice may not be what it seems.
If you need any help then please do get in touch for a free chat to talk about what's going on for you and I’ll let you know how I can help.
Otherwise, be happy, confident and go for what you want!
Bye for now!
Look here ....... one for FREE and the other for FREEDOM!
by Jessica Hylands Confidence Coach
#life #confidence #risk #fear #insecurity#coaching #coach #lifecoach #confidencecoach